sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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