This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
