was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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