So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
