my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
