dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
