she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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