i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
