Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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