it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
