I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
