That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
