ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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