This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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