Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
