he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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