Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
