So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
