I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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