Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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