Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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