i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize