Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Come share oat with me in your robe
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
