I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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