seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
