he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
