i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
