Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
