So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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