Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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