Your face is a jimmy john
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
