my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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