Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize