you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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