Already got asked if we're dating
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
