when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
