Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize