Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
