dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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