just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
