The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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