I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
