He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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