you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
