I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im holly from the hills drunk
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
