I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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