I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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