and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
