considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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