he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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