What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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