remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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