Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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