god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I need a burrito and a hug.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
