one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
