Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My cat gives me a boner
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dear god my vagina.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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