I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
