I think I just saw someone hide a body.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
