sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
