yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
