Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
